We're moving today - a week too soon (well, actually not a moment too soon, but sooner than intended). We moved into this place by the name of 'Captain Cook Ranch' on 07 FEB and, while the view from the nice covered lanai at 2300ft elevation certainly is nothing short of spectacular, the remainder of the premises leaves numerous things to be desired - most urgently a new mattress. Fasten your seat belts folks and make sure you have nothing in your mouths you could choke on, because when we tell you the mattress these people present their p-a-y-i-n-g guests with is 20 YEARS OLD, whaddaya say?!! Wowie - and owie!
And, of course, with 'vintage' comes other 'realities, such as:
And, as an insult to injury (to be taken somewhat literally, at this point), the full-size mattress in the second bedroom (rendered unusable by heavy snoring coming from owner's unit above) was no bettah. That damn thing was so OLD that the silkscreened label was nothing but a few remaining patches of faded yellow:
Real nice, eh? With Camilla's job in travel, we have seen lots of properties of all kinds and configurations, but this one is so disgraceful it takes the entire cake (and that 1994 Labor-Day-with-dog motel experience in Lousiana WAS pretty bad!) . Speaking of cake, the owner here - Mike Breeze - seems to savor sitting IN the breeze while having his cake and then he'll help himself to yet another slice. Are we trying to pay the mortgage with a New York style 'tenement' here Mr. Mike? He's got his noisy abode upstairs - including two nice dogs but with claws that make the uncarpeted floor a perpetual canine concerto. And, you can even hear - in the master bedroom of all places - when Mr. Mike flushes his grand big toilet upstairs. Sounds like The Lord's big old commode after a genuine plunging job! Wooooooshhhhh!!!! AND, we hear there is even a baby on the way!
But speaking of water, Mr. Mike wants views, so he lives waaaay above the community catchment tank and therefore has his very own water catchment system. Too bad he is on the leeward side of the island and that his system wasn't quite designed to handle the living needs of not only his own (growing) ohana, but also those of his pesky consuming rental guests. Add those costly Hawaii electricity rates (in a climate that requires no A/C and barely any winter heat, mind you). These welcoming home made signs that greet you from virtually every angle in the rental unit regardless where you stand really spread the Aloha and make you feel the warm welcome (E Komo Mai). Ya really feel the Aloha here, no?:
And, just in case we still did not 'get it':
This Mr. Mike is so cheap that you don't even get to have a hand towel, let alone one to share, for the duration of your stay. And, as you can imagine, you can kiss your hopes of a wash rag completely goodbye. A kleenex box, you say? No no. Here, if you're lucky, you'll get a little 10-tissue plastic pack. And to top it off, per Mike's advertising, laundry use is available, yes and when you arrive you'll learn it is on the 'honor system' (contrary to any vacation rental we've ever been in in Hawaii). The cost per load-fasten your seatbelt-is $5!
Furthermore, and as of 2009 (or thereabouts), Mr. Mike has added a SECOND Ohana unit below his (not so large) house, that runs adjacent to our unit here - and, very intelligently, has done so l-e-n-g-t-h-w-i-s-e, such that EVERYone is surrounded by EVERYone else's 'people noises'. We can temporarily live with a fair amount of 'inconvenience' (after all we've been NYC apartment dwellers for over a decade), but add dilapidated bedding - including a completely worn out AND lopsided mattress, and you've got disaster looming on the horizon of this 2300ft vantage point. We travel a lot, as some of you know, and we have quite happily stayed in anything from hostels to Hyatts and can count on LESS than one hand the number of times we have ever left a place before the scheduled departure. UHUH, WOW!
Mr. Mike, however, has an arrogant and self-righteous streak about him. He firmly (no pun intended) believes his 20-year-old-cum-15-years-past-its-prime mattress as well as the other mattress (which was probably from his college days, with springs as stiff as the joints of a 90-year-old...human) provide not only perfectly acceptable but even COMFORTABLE bedding for his vacation rental 'guests' (cum Mortgage Minions). We just had to laugh (hey if your backside is unhappy and you can't sleep, you might as well just laugh). In any case, Mr. Mike had the blatant nerve to suggest immediate check-out (though we needed no encouragement in that regard, as that decision had already made itself) but his additional chutzpah included a firm reiteration of his no-refund policy. Not so fast Mr. Mike. Only time will tell...
...And when, in a couple of decades, Mr. Mike decides a replacement is finally due, and ventures down to the Salvation Army - the old 'trusted' mattress in tow, so he can get his tax refund for 'donated goods' - whaddaya think? Will they even take the wretched thing off his hands or will he have to let his 'blemished, buckled, banged-up, bedding buddy' go up in smoke?? Again, only time will tell...
Anyway, we won't bore you with the details any further, except to say that the following video has 'the rant' in it:
Considering the utter toxicity of this very bad 'mountain apple' experience, we will be posting the lovely scenic drive to our new abode in a separate post for today (and will include a link to the footage titled 'Mork and Mindy's Mansion' for a full tour of the Puna Premises. This 'new' house is as big as an entire country! An odd juxtaposition indeed!)
So, if you find yourself at the end of this entry, be sure to see the next one above - for a sense of balance and good old karma.
Good Riddance, as they say. In the case of Mr. Mike Breeze and his so-called Captain Cook Ranch, there will most certainly be no 'A hui hou' on our part. And so, we leave!
Kepani & Kamila
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